Action Pants

The other day I saw the movie WATCHMEN which is about some super-heroes who are just regular people except they can jump out three-story windows without having their knees explode, can catch bullets and make forearms crack like matchsticks. There’s also a glowing blue guy named Dr. Manhattan (whose voice and junk were provided by Billy Crudup) who can do anything he wants and is naked. No reasons are given as to his nakedness; I assume he either just likes the breeze or lost his pants and didn’t care enough to conjure new ones with his magic genie powers.

The basic story is that some jerk called the Comedian (played by Jeffrey Dean Morgan who looks a little like Robert Downey Jr.) is tossed out a window by a skinny ninja and the only person who cares is a dude named Rorschach (played by Jackie Earle Haley who you might remember as Stick from an episode of the Lorenzo Lamas T.V. show RENEGADE) who has an oil painting for a mask. So he starts investigating and monologueing in a gravely voice as he takes a “who’s who” tour, telling all these retired heroes that someone may want to kill them. He also tells the glowy blue guy even though he isn’t retired because you can’t retire from being blue and glowy.

I should probably say that I am currently in the process of reading the comics this is based off of. The comics are really talky and there are essays in between the chapters that tell me things I already read a few pages before and kill both my interest and story-momentum; so it’s taking me a while to plow through. From my limited WATCHMEN the comic knowledge, I can say that the movie isn’t too much like it. In the movie everything is slicker and painted black whereas in the comic things are browner and grimier. Also, in the comic the only hero who kills is Rorschach which is why he’s interesting. In the movie all the heroes murder, like when the lady hero, Silk Spectre (thanks to this movie I can say I’ve seen Malin Ackerman nude) , kills a mugger within the first 20 minutes with a knife through his throat. In fact, the least violent character in the movie is Rorschach, who is the most gruesome in the comic; funny how that happened. You might also hear that the ending is different, something about calamari and hanky-panky, but I didn’t get there in the comic yet.

To be honest, I’m not sure how much I can say about this movie…it was alright. It wasn’t great, but it wasn’t terrible. Everything was just OK; the acting, direction and sets were nothing special, just kind of there. None of the characters were all that interesting and for some reason the main villain had some kind of cat monster. Perhaps it was supposed to give him a kind of a James-Bond-villain type thing but more HARDCORE because it’s not just a cat, it’s a MONSTER CAT! I don’t know.

There were a few things that amused me; whether it was intentional or not I’ll let God decide. Like, why did Silk Spectre jump into the burning building if she was just going to walk across the plank back into the Owl-Ship? Also, how did Rorschach burn that guy with the grease from that deep fryer when deep fryer traps are meshed specifically so that grease drains from them?

The movie also went the FORREST GUMP route when it came to the soundtrack. Just grabbing the first old song it could think of for the scene and throwing it in there. Some were alright and some were pretty funny. The worst offender was the use of Jimi Hendrix’s “All Along the Watchtower” while Rorschach and Nite Owl (the hero with the problems getting an erection…what a claim to fame that is; played by Patrick Wilson) were heading toward the third act. First of all, Rorschach would not listen to Hendrix, he’s to hardcore for acid-rock. Secondly, why would they have to find a way out of here when they’re already traveling to there? It didn’t make any sense to me.

I think the biggest problem with the soundtrack was that the songs didn’t fit the timeline. They kept grabbing anti-Vietnam era whiny-rock when the movie takes place during the early 80’s. Know who was tearing up the charts in the 80’s? Blondie, The Boss and Devo that’s who; not Hendrix, Janis Joplin and Simon and Garfunkel.

The action, when it bothered to show up, was pretty good and ridiculously over-the-top; which is cool with me. It’s done in the slow-fast-fast-slow style that Director Zack Snyder has copyrighted, so be warned.

I did learn something from WATCHMEN the movie. Watching a sex scene in a theater when you’re surrounded by friends and old people is a little embarrassing. I’m talking about the scene toward the end where the impotent hero Nite Owl is finally able to produce a rod and has sex with the Silk Spectre to the tune of “Hallelujah” by Leonard Cohen…I’m not making that last part up. The scene doesn’t show a lot of anatomy, but it is filled with tons of awkward thrusting and heaving. Maybe it’s just me, but that 5-minute pound-a-thon just made my face red.

There isn’t too much else I can say because I honestly don’t remember it to well. I just remember saying “oh, it was alright” as I left the theater. So I guess that’s my review. If you’re looking for an alright experience that will cost you $10-$12 then WATCHMEN is where you want to be. Also, there’s lots of blue penis. Enjoy!