Archive for June, 2009

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Put Your Game Face On.

Sunday, June 28th, 2009

In the grand tradition of promoting movies to the public, comes the trailer for the Gerard Butler movie GAMER, starring Gerard Butler as a guy who does cool things because he is mind controlled. Enjoy it below.

The first thing I said while watching this was “is that John Leguizamo?!” Well, spank my bottom, it is! Congrats on still being alive John! Big Violator fan here! Apparently, he plays a character named Freek, which may be a possible homage to his one-man show, FREAK, or his character is a weirdo.

I do admit that I really like the look of this movie. They seem to have kept the CG-crap to a minimum and are having actual people run around in front of real explosions and things like that. That’s how you get in Action Pants’ good graces. I still have problems with the premise, but the look is solid. Good job!

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Journey To Heck.

Sunday, June 28th, 2009

Dan Bradley, the director of the unseen RED DAWN remake has been given a second sure-fire blockbuster to crank out in HELLIFIED. You read that right, they created a new word specifically for this movie, which is the way to go for such a “thinking man’s” concept like a journey into Hell. This news was broken by The Hollywood Reporter.

I am looking forward to a lot of CG lava and demon puppets with long tongues.

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Tease My Bender.

Wednesday, June 24th, 2009

Looking up at that title, I am a little confused by it. Go ahead and check it out again…does it make any sense at all? Maybe I was going for some kind of veiled sexual metaphor, but if I was, it wasn’t very well thought out.

Oh yeah, there’s news afoot! Well, not news, but a trailer, which is like confirmation of news. It’s like some studio guy going “years ago we told you about this movie we were going to make and here’s the proof!” The movie is M. Night Shyamalan’s live-action version of the cartoon AVATAR: THE LAST AIRBENDER. For the movie they dropped the AVATAR part from the title probably because they don’t want people to get it confused with that James Cameron movie that’s coming out. Become teased!

As far as teaser’s go, it’s pretty good. The arrow-headed kid’s kung fu is obviously strong and gaseous. He must get really bored up in that tower all by himself. He probably spends most of a normal day just lighting candles in a giant circle so he can blow them out using magic. I imagine afterward he throws up his hands like he just won the World Series, then covers his mouth while saying stuff like “and the crowd goes wild! HAAAAAA! HAAAAAA!”

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Putting Out A Second Hit.

Wednesday, June 24th, 2009

In the annals of history, there are few motion pictures as revered and mystified as Xavier Gens’ HITMAN, based on the video-game of the same name, about a bald guy who kills people. Oh no, wait; what’s the opposite of revered and mystified? Anyway, 20th Century Fox was so enamored with the originals $40 million domestic take that they have lassoed some sucker named Kyle Ward to write a sequel.

Now, I know what you’re saying, “What’s HITMAN? I don’t even remember it coming out.” Well, don’t feel bad, I forgot about it too until I read IESB’s article. There’s no news yet whether any of the original cast or director will return, but I for one would be outraged if they didn’t…hang on, what’s the opposite of outraged? Oh yeah, apathetic; I would be apathetic if they didn’t.

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Prepare For 2012.

Saturday, June 20th, 2009

Remember back in the 90’s when it was cool to be Roland Emmerich? You made movies like INDEPENDENCE DAY and GODZILLA and the masses rejoiced. And then the 2000’s came along and you made THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW and 10,000 BC and the masses started to realize you didn’t really have any “talent.”

Well fooeh on them! You trudged along and made another movie anyway. The twist is that this time it’s about the end of the world as opposed to your other movies that were merely about the world ending. It’s called 2012 and its trailer is below.

What I have learned from that trailer is that in the year 2012, the Earth will become like it is in WATERWORLD. So if you don’t have a boat and a “water from pee” machine yet, you should definitely get moving.

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Up Rises The Red Dawn.

Saturday, June 20th, 2009

In an effort to satisfy the modern teens hunger for Cold War Era action/dramas, Hollywood has decided to do a remake of RED DAWN. Not only that, but they’ve already started lining up “talent” in the form of Josh Peck and Adrianne Palicki. I know, I don’t know who they are either; apparently the Peck fella is on a Nickelodeon show or something.

The movie will be directed by Dan Bradley after it is done being rewritten by Tony Gilroy. Mr. Bradley (or as I will call him from now on, Mr. B) was the director of THE BOURNE ULITMATUM and QUANTUM OF SOLACE second units. So don’t expect any tripods to be used in this movie. Is anyone doing and over-under on the length of cuts for this movie? I’m going to put money on under .5 seconds.

The original film starred Patrick Swayze and Charlie Sheen as kids who fight a guerilla like battle against the Ruskies who invaded the U.S. I honestly don’t see this remake working at all without the Cold War backdrop. Honestly, who are they going to use as the invader this time if it gets modernized? Iranians? They don’t have an army capable of even scratching our asses. Maybe the North Koreans…but again, they don’t have the forces for an invasion. Man I miss the Soviet Union, it was such a great place for evil. You just don’t see the caliber of villain like Ivan Drago anymore.

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Grab The Whiteout.

Thursday, June 18th, 2009

The movie WHITEOUT has been flying under the radar lately; perhaps by design, so that it can bomb us with radar-guided smart bombs of awesome…or because it stinks. To help us judge which it will be, the studio was kind enough to supply Dark Horizons with a new trailer. Enjoy it at this link.

It looks good. If THE THING taught me anything, it’s that everything is scarier when it’s happening in the snow. Just think about it; are you normally scared when you drive your car, but are you scared while driving your car in a blizzard!? Bum bum bummmmm. Yeah I know, but at least I tried. What did you do today?

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Tetsuo Is Toast.

Wednesday, June 17th, 2009

According to the upstanding citizens over at Bloody Disgusting, the proposed live-action trashing of the anime AKIRA has been put on ice. The film was going to be directed by Ruairi Robinson, whoever that is, but he dropped out for reasons unknown…mysterious!

If you’ve never seen the original, it was about a biker gang in Neo Tokyo who get mixed up with some government group that is experimenting on people so that the experimented can turn on them and blow them up using mind powers. The remake was going to change the locale to New Manhattan, but retardedly keep all the main characters names Japanese. The death of this film can only be seen as a good thing…unless you hate freedom.

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Wade In.

Sunday, June 14th, 2009

Real actor, Ryan Reynolds was talking to MTV about the upcoming spin-off of a spin-off, DEADPOOL. He said that they’re still trying to figure out what the story is going to be, but whatever it is, it will be accurate to the comic book portrayal of the character and yada yada yada.

He said that the character will wisecrack a lot, have a scarred face and wear his red ski-mask. So, what he’s saying is that this will be very similar to DARKMAN, only replace fake faces with a ski-mask and swap Liam Neeson for Ryan Reynolds. I guess that’s a fair trade…

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Returning To The Hobbit Hole.

Sunday, June 14th, 2009

Guillermo del Toro was talking to some guy on the BBC the other day and said that Hugo Weaving, Andy Serkis and Ian McKellen will all be in THE HOBBIT, playing the same characters they played in THE LORD OF THE RINGS movies.

This is great news for people who care about such things. I honestly wouldn’t have cared one way or the other, but I guess it’s cool that they’re coming back.

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