Archive for May, 2009

New And Improved Alien.

Thursday, May 28th, 2009

More news from Bloody Disgusting, this time it’s not as uplifting. It seems that 20th Century Fox has decided to finalize their deal with the Devil by creating a remake of the sci-fi classic ALIEN. But it’s not all bad news; they did get an inexperienced, music-video director named Carl Erik Rinsch to make it.

There’s no real information available yet as to what exactly the story will be or whether they will include a story at all. The thinking is that it will be about a brand new crew of suckers happening upon an alien. The alien will then proceed to eat them. Ridley Scott has agreed to produce the movie, i.e. collect a paycheck.

At least they seem to be avoiding recasting a new Ripley and just remaking the original. If this actually gets made, having a brand new crew get terrorized is the only way to guarantee that it isn’t completely worthless. But if they did that, why wouldn’t they just make a sequel? The answer is because a remake has the potential for making more money than a sequel would. Finding out where the story goes is old hat, watching what happens before the story or watching the same story told again is where it’s at!

Dodged A Whip.

Thursday, May 28th, 2009

Looking down on the world and seeing all the problems currently facing humanity, God has decided to intervene in the mortal plane and scrap the proposed movie version of the video-game CASTLEVANIA. The movie was being written by Paul W.S. Anderson and Ian Jeffers which is the film version of the kiss of death.

It seems the original director Sylvain White became unattached to the movie, possibly because of the poop-factor, and they couldn’t find anyone to fill his shoes. Read all about it at Bloody Disgusting.

Lara’s Gotten Stale.

Thursday, May 28th, 2009

The people over at About.com had a chance to chat with a Dan Lin, who is a producer of movies. They asked him what the deal was with wanting to reboot the TOMB RAIDER movies. He then mentioned a bunch of junk about character development and hating action.

So his answer is to go back to the beginning…again. Because, honestly, everyone just loves the stuffing out of origin stories. I mean, I prefer to watch how a hero becomes a hero rather than watch them be a hero…or in this case rob graves. Lin also mentioned that the action would be more realistic, which is producer talk for “cheaper to make.”

I should mention that the first two TOMB RAIDER’s weren’t masterpieces (or even close) and there was a good amount of room for improvement, but Angelina Jolie was extremely attractive…I know I had something else I wanted to say, but I can’t remember what it was.

Terminator Salvation=Reviewed

Tuesday, May 26th, 2009

I haven’t been able to get to the theater to much this summer, but I was able to pry my butt off the sofa long enough to transplant it into a cinema seat so I could watch TERMINATOR SALVATION. All the legitimate critics have already reviewed this, but I didn’t…until now!

Read it here.

My Dear Holmes.

Tuesday, May 19th, 2009

If you hadn’t heard, Guy Ritchie has filmed a new SHERLOCK HOLMES movie. But this isn’t your Dad’s Holmes! Or, I guess, your great-great-grand-dad’s Holmes either. In fact, it isn’t anyone’s Holmes, except for I guess Guy Ritchie. Well, the movie has a trailer as movies are prone to do and the trailer is below. Enjoy its whimsy.

If you watched this without the sound you would have no idea this was a movie about Sherlock Holmes. I don’t know if that’s good or bad. I do know that Robert Downey Jr. in “Ultra Jiggle Vision” is bad. Honestly, he shakes like I do when I’m on a treadmill and he was just tossing one extremely awkward punch.

There’s The Last Warrior.

Tuesday, May 19th, 2009

When I hear the title THE LAST WARRIOR and am told that it will be a low budget action movie about a corporate head-of-security hunting a genetically enhanced super-soldier in a post-apocalyptic world, the first person that comes to my mind is Cuba Gooding Jr. I am pleased to report that I am not the only one, at least according to Screen Daily.

Some guy named Olivier Martinez will also be in it, though I don’t really care. I’m not sure who will be the super-soldier, but my money would be on Cuba. End of news.

Darn Killer Elitists.

Sunday, May 17th, 2009

A low-budget action movie titled THE KILLER ELITE is getting ready to start filming, says Variety. Since this is a low-budget action movie it will of course star Jason Statham.

The movie is based on real events (so they say) and a novel that was written by some guy named Ranulph Fiennes. The story is about some British special forces guys who are hunted by assassins. Statham will play an ex-Navy Seal who (I think you can guess what I’m about to type next) has to come out of retirement to save his buddy.

There isn’t any mention of why a British special forces guy would also be a Navy Seal; maybe they mean the British equivalent of the Seals? Wouldn’t that just be the British special forces? Or maybe it was some kind of WIFE SWAP deal, but with the American and British military. We got Jason Statham and they got Tom Berenger…lucky Brits.

Chocolate=Reviewed

Sunday, May 17th, 2009

I spent the better part of a few nights ago watching the martial-arts action movie CHOCOLATE starring JeeJa Yanin as Tony Jaa. Read the review and then watch the movie or reverse the order, whichever you prefer.

The Worst Idea In History? Yes.

Friday, May 15th, 2009

According to Variety; presumed seal-clubber, Neal Moritz, has decided that just being evil isn’t enough and the only way to reach the level of SUPER-EVIL that he craves is to remake the 90’s action-classic CLIFFHANGER. In an ironic turn-of-fate, Moritz is producing the remake via his Original Films Company. Also being created through Original Films is the remake of ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK. Perhaps there may come a day when Original Films produces something original, but I’m not going to bet on it.

The good CLIFFHANGER starred Sylvester Stallone as a mountain climber who is forced to hunt for lost money in the Rocky Mountains by the villainous John Lithgow. During the hunt, Sly swings from cliff-faces, engages in a battle royale on a helicopter stuck to a suspension ladder and power lifts a human man onto a stalactite. All of that means that it is excellent.

The bad CLIFFHANGER will be about a group of young climbers probably having sex and drinking…on a mountain.

Where’d I Put The Weapon?

Friday, May 15th, 2009

I was thinking to myself the other day, “I wonder what Jean-Claude Van Damme’s next film will be after his assuredly Oscar-worthy performance in UNIVERSAL SOLDIERS: THE NEXT GENERATION?” And then along comes the news that his next role will have him playing an assassin opposite Vinnie Jones (who is also playing an assassin) in WEAPON.

Apparently Jones’ assassin is a master sharpshooter and Van Damme’s assassin is a master sharpstabber (i.e. he likes knives). They must combine these two potent forces (one is obviously more potent than the other) to defeat a drug cartel that is backed by the DEA. Will they find a way to coexist long enough to see that justice is done? I don’t know, but it sure smells good.